Do you know what it feels like, being alone? I'll find someone new...

Let me say this before I start: I'm kind of in a bad mental state right now. Nothing to worry about; I have anxiety and this happens all the time. Usually when this happens I do what I have to do (school, honoring previous commitments, small talk with the family for a half hour or so) with as much cheerfulness as I can fake and then go lie under the covers, earphones in, and nap on and off till the mood passes. But my mom is laying on my bed right now, my favorite pandora station is playing a little too much matchbox twenty for my taste, and I left my diary in my locker at school (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!) and I really need to freaking verbalize some emotions. I will try to do so with the least amount of negativity possible though.

Here's what has happened to me over the last two days:
*yesterday morning!!!!!!!!!!*
Waken up from some truly lovely dreams at the ungodly hour of 9 am by some loud and unpleasant banging on the door and my little sister saying rather loudly "EZRA CAN YOU GET THAT??????? I'M PLAYING GAMES ON THE COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *groan.* I drag myself out of bed (messy hair, no glasses) and answer the door to see a random mexican guy standing there. Our conversation went a little like this:
Me: *yawning* ummmmmm... hi?
Him: Hi.
Me: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... *yawns some more. says next part through a particularly long yawn* Hi...
Him: I-I-m here to fix wall? *gestures to all the stuff he has with him*
Me: ummm... k. *yawns and runs fingers through gnarly, tangled, slept-in hair*
Him: I come in?
Me: ummmm sure... *opens door so he can enter*

Looking back I probably should have told him to come back later, considering the fact that my mom wasnt home :P but I was still asleep. And he turned out not to be a creeper, just a maintenance dude named Pablo. And he fixed the hole in our wall.
By the time Pablo left (around 11:30), it was time for me to get ready to leave. My grandma was coming to pick me up so I could help her cook for thanksgiving the next day.
Here's my grandmas house in a nutshell: dark, creepy, dusty. My auntie and her 3-year-old daughter live there, and while I love both of them, my auntie is dreadfully overprotective of me.
Example!
I made the mistake of mentioning that I was gonna see rocky horror with a friend on saturday night, and when she asked who was going with us I said "probably one of her brothers friends" and she got all protective and was like "well I dont know if I can trust her brothers friends!!!!!!"
Me: "We've been to concerts and stuff with them. Theyre college kids so theyre kinda dumb (has flashback to the time her brother and one of his friends wanted to pierce their own noses and decided to do a couple of shots to dull the pain-dont worry,theyre both 21 and they would never offer alcohol to minors-which didnt work, and woke up the next morning with the needles still sticking out of their faces!!!!! oh god, good times) but theyre harmless. I'll be fine."
Her: "no i dont like that. I havent met them and i dont know if I trust them. I think I'll just take you".
Me: Auntie, no!!!!"
her: "why not?" me: (desperately trying to think of a way to get out of going with her) "uhhh...ummm.... the show doesnt start till midnight, and i wouldnt want you to have to stay up later than youre used to..."
her: "im fine with that. I think ill just take you"
me: "on second thought, maybe I wont go..."
her: "why not?"
me: (trying to think of a good lie because i dont think "because if i go with you i cant swear or wear anything fun. and if i went to concerts with you I never would have met the lead singer of my favorite band because you would be like 'theyre strangers and i dont want you talking to strangers' or gotten a hug from the screamer for the band who opened up for FTSK and then gotten like six free red bulls and stayed up all night, and basically even tough i love you I think I'd rather swallow this entire carton of eggs, shell and all" will fly with her) ummmm... cuz the friend im going with is someone youve met before and dont like very much
Her: then say you cant go with her.
Me: *sigh...*
So, because of that, there is a very good chance that instead of spending saturday night with one of my best friends, dressed in something adorable and slightly revealing from her closet and having the sort of fun that only occurs when you stay out late in uptown (nothing illegal or dangerous implied, of course) with some college kids who mainly care about getting us home alive and sober before the sun rises, I will be feeling awkward and uncomfortable in way too much clothes with my 41-year-old aunt and constantly watching myself so i dont swear in front of her, then having to deal with her complain about being out too late/the movie theatre being to loud and crowded/the fact that she cant even hear the movie over the lines being yelled at the screen, and being gulted into leaving early.
I think ill tell her the plans off and go with my friend and her bros friends anyways.
its not like shes my mom. my mom doesnt care (thank you, mommy, for not inheriting the freaky over-protective gene like your sister!)
and her daughter is adorable, but nothing sucks quite like being woken up at 2 am by a screaming three-year-old.
I wont even get into the rest of the day I spent at my grandmas house. Basically I watched lots of tv and went to bed at like 10:30 because i was so bored.
woken up at around 1:30 from a text from a friend who was having a much better time than me.

*thanksgiving day!!!*
woken up from some truly lovely dreams at the ungodly hour of 9 am by my grandma hovering about 4 inches from my face, repeatedly whispering my name. When she sees that my eyes are slightly open, she starts frantically yelling "WAKE UP!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE TO GET THE NUT LOAF IN THE OVEN BY TEN!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU TO SNAP GREEN BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE VEGETABLES TO MASH AND POTATOES TO CHOP!!!!!! AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR!!!!!!!! GO!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" then ran away like a chicken with its head off. I rolled off the couch, made some breakfast that i barely remember eating, and drank a cup of coffee. We didnt get the nut loaf in the oven by ten, but thats okay because people werent coming over till 1:30.
I spent the whole f*%&ing day in the kitchen. If it werent for the fact that i had found a pandora station that plays some excellent 90s dance music, I would have snapped and sunken into my depressive state much earlier. at least she didnt object to me wearing my pajamas and hello kitty slippers all day (which im still wearing, btw).  and then they came over.
my mom and second cousin were there, which was great. they both have the awesomest personalities, which was very much appreciated after spending over 24 straight hours in a house full of total nuts. But after eating a ton of food (and having my grandma make me feel totally fat for eating three rolls) and playing
3 card games
4 word games
way too many rounds of the "say what youre thankful for" thanksgiving game (mine: I'm thankful that im not a native american that lived here hundreds of years ago." "im thankful that those dickheads the pilgrims arent around anymore." "im very very very thankful that i dont eat turkey")
and 1 round of charades
I was so ready to leave. I ask my mom "how much longer are me staying?" he said "oh just a few more hours."
PSHAW!!! HOURS?!?!?!?!?!! I barely wanted to be there another minute!!!!!!!! i missed my appartment!!!!!!!!! I missed my bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed my beloved stuffed hedgehog, harold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So i did what any teenager would do: i took out my ipod and started texting.
Of course, no one was responding because they were too busy eating turkey and spending time with their own families. Really really reallllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy regretted not answering that 1:30 am text and enjoying a conversation with someone from the outside world while i still could.
So I got this awesome game called Stick Wars, where you have a wall and a bunch of stick people try to attack it and you have to defend it. you have to throw them up in the air and at the wall and at each other and stuff and then they die. and when you reach higher levels, you can take them prisoner and have them fight for you, and you can train wizards and archers and people to repair your wall and you ca throw fireballs at them and meteors and stuff.
And amazingly, no one even noticed for like a half hour that i wasnt paying any attention to them!!!!! Especially strange since i was leaning my head on my moms lap so i would think shed have noticed... i got to level 32 before she did notice, at wich point she stole my ipod and stuck it in her pocket.
I found her googling stuff on it about twenty minutes later.
Finally, finally, FINALLY, I was allowed to leave.
now im sitting here, listening to my backup sulky-music pandora station that i have in case my other one starts to suck, and basically waiting for bedtime. hoping mom eventually goes to her own bed and doesnt just crash on mine, even though it is quite comfy. and even after writing this post, i dont feel much better.
maybe ill write some emo poetry, or draw pictures with my black and red sharpies. I always end up getting rid of anything i create while in one of my moods, cuz the poetry just sounds pathetic and the drawings always kind of freak me ut to look at, even tough upon closer inspection theyre prety much just random doodles, only in more emo colors.
i think ill go play stick wars some more.